INTERVIEW - Groin Spasm Magazine - May 1997

eD is the kind of man..

..whom you should keep far away from your daughters.. and pets... Judging by the amount of hardware and electronics detected in his head, (revealed in a recent "checkup" conducted by a fleet of CIA and NSA personnel) he has been determined to be, quite possibly, the most abducted human on the face of the planet. During this 4 hour interview, alone, we tallied at least 14 alien abductions, 32 close encounters and several strange incidents involving a sudden lack of gravity...

After enduring a thorough and frighteningly satisfying alien and CIA probing ourselves, we were able to get down to the interview: (We tried our best to ignore the rotting cow carcasses strewn around his apartment...)

THE eD INTERVIEW:

 

us: So eD? What's up with all these alien abductions?

ed: Alien abductions?
(eD was immediately yanked out of his seat by two NSA staff, at this point, and jabbed repeatedly in the face with a weird, metallic, humming tool... He was then placed back in his seat to continue the interview... He just sat there, staring blankly at us.)

us: Um.. Lets move on then. Why this obsession with Goat Hammers?.. and... well... what IS a Goat Hammer?

ed: Well.. The Goat Hammer is a vital source of random facial discharge and blue fancy melt...

us: ...

(Uncomfortable pause... eD then stood up suddenly, screaming...)

ed: THE VERY LEAKING MARMOT DOORKNOB LICKED THE LANKY TUMOR SAUCE!!!
(eD was, once again, immediately whisked away, this time, by a couple of strange, tall, thin creatures with big black eyes. That they were alien in origin didn't really bother us. What truly terrified us was the fact they were wearing Hanson T-shirts and softly humming "mmm bop" as they dragged him away...)

(After several minutes of, what we could only imagine was more fierce probing, eD was returned to his seat...)

ed: (eD continued...) Sorry about that.. I have a cold..
This kind of crap continued for about three more hours 'till we just couldn't take it anymore. In the middle of, yet another one of his screaming rants and one last mysterious "floating around in the air and bouncing violently off the walls" episode, we quietly thanked him, grabbed our gear and ran from the building...

That evening I was contacted by eD. He was wondering why we had failed to show up earlier for his interview... I immediately hung up the phone and began shooting a variety of drugs into my arm...

 

 

-us